Somewhere between the transition from darkness to light, I heard my guides whisper “you are not your thoughts.” I have heard that phrase said many times, but for some reason this morning it registered as a kind of Eternal truth, a reminder from the depths of my soul. I’ve been having Ego attacks on a regular basis for the past month and a half and feeling completely out of control both of my mind and body. My Ego has some key issues it likes to work with, which usually boil down to beliefs of not being good enough or being ugly. It does such a good job of convincing me of these things that I’ll completely lose perspective and feel like I’ve never felt a time when those things didn’t feel true. Or then I’ll fixate on the “truth” of that and watch as evidence of it pops up in my life. It will actually distort my image in the mirror; I’ll look at myself during an attack and see what I’m sure anorexics see, an image of themselves several pounds heavier. But then I’ll look again days later when I’m fine and see my normal, lovely self. It’s kind of a trip.
Last night, a woman handed me a print of a photo she had taken of the four of us at the Rocky Mountain Folks Fest. I looked at myself and thought wow, I will never be as vibrant and beautiful as I was in that photograph. In the photo, I am beaming with happiness, health, clear eyes and skin, good muscle tone. (The medication I’m on now has some inconvenient side effects, it makes my skin break out and I have an insatiable hunger. It’s almost as if it blocks my brain from telling me I am full, so I have to consciously take small portions and stop myself from eating when everyone else puts down their forks. I feel like a labrador retriever, who apparently have their appetite sensor bred out of them.) I feel incredibly betrayed by my body and in these past couple months have spiraled into feeling sorry for myself and feeling despair. It hasn’t been easy. But I look at the photo again and think, wow, when that was taken in August last year, I was actually already sick with leukemia! I was not the picture of health. My body was already out of whack, and I was so less conscious of the issues and negative beliefs that were literally multiplying in me and poisoning my blood. My lifeline. Sure, I am struggling right now, but I have been given a gift of a life-threatening disease which reminds me every day of being and living the most intentional of lives. Which does mean confronting my Ego and having the sense to know it’s illusory. Which does mean making it a practice to be gentle and loving towards myself especially when I’m my most activated. Which does mean being vigilant. That is the work of life.
Today is a glorious day off at one of the most beautiful cities in the world, Taos NM. There are talks of heading to a hot springs and hiking some trails, and I’m excited. Nothing can align you with your Source like nature, and I don’t get out in it nearly as much as I want. My intention today is to try to start looking at my cancer and these Ego attacks as opportunities to change.